Byte Me: Dad Jokes for the 40 Most Talked About Tech Brands
Let’s be honest—tech can get a little too serious sometimes. Between AI arms races, quantum computing, and social media chaos, it’s easy to forget that these billion-dollar companies are ripe for some old-fashioned dad joke roasting. So we took the top 40 most talked-about tech and social media companies in the U.S. as of 2025 and asked: what if they each had their own cringe-worthy, eye-roll-inducing dad joke?
Here’s the official, completely serious (not really) list.
1. Apple
Apple said they’re innovating again. Great, now my phone charges slower and judges me harder.
2. TikTok
I tried TikTok. Now I dance involuntarily every time I hear a microwave beep.
3. Microsoft
Microsoft said to update Windows. So I threw mine out and bought curtains.
4. X (Twitter)
I tweeted something witty. Got 2 likes—both from my mom. She unliked one out of pity.
5. Meta (Facebook/Instagram/Threads)
Meta’s building a virtual world. I just want to find my real socks.
6. Nvidia
Nvidia made a GPU so powerful it rendered my midlife crisis in 4K.
7. OpenAI
OpenAI gave me life advice. Step one: Stop asking robots for life advice.
8. YouTube
YouTube taught me plumbing. Now I’ve got 12 leaks and a YouTube channel.
9. Google
I googled ‘how to be cool’. It said, ‘Try Bing.’ Even Google gave up on me.
10. Amazon
Ordered socks on Amazon. Got a garden hose, a toaster, and a strong sense of regret.
11. Instagram
Posted my lunch on Instagram. It got flagged for lack of seasoning.
12. Reddit
I learned more from Reddit in one hour than college taught me in four years—and I majored in Reddit.
13. LinkedIn
Updated my LinkedIn to ‘Wizard of Workflow.’ HR hasn’t called, but Hogwarts did.
14. SpaceX
SpaceX launched a rocket. I launched my dinner into the microwave and still missed orbit.
15. Snapchat
Sent a snap of my face. The app crashed. Twice.
16. Tesla
My Tesla updated itself mid-drive. We ended up at Taco Bell. I respect that.
17. Discord
My kid said Discord is for communities. I joined one. Now I lead a goat cult.
18. Pinterest
Tried a Pinterest craft. Ended up with glitter in my coffee and a glued-shut dog.
19. WhatsApp
Sent ‘Happy Birthday’ on WhatsApp. Autocorrect said ‘Happy Burden’. Close enough.
20. Spotify
Spotify thinks I’m sad. It made a playlist called ‘Crying in the Grocery Store.’
21. Adobe
Photoshopped abs onto my pic. Now my fridge is jealous.
22. IBM
IBM says they’re building quantum computers. I can’t even operate my toaster without a walkthrough.
23. Telegram
Joined a Telegram group. Now I have 18 pen pals and a pyramid scheme.
24. Intel
Intel sent me a chip. I ate it. Apparently not the kind that comes with salsa.
25. ServiceNow
ServiceNow automated my workflow so well, I accidentally automated my own firing.
26. BeReal
BeReal notified me at 6am. Now everyone’s seen me in SpongeBob pajamas.
27. Clubhouse
Joined Clubhouse to speak. Got stage fright and faked a power outage.
28. AMD
AMD runs so hot, I grilled a cheese sandwich on my laptop.
29. Palantir
Palantir sees the future. Spoiler alert: I’m still overcooking pasta.
30. Zoom
Zoom froze mid-presentation. I unmuted, panicked, and accidentally proposed to a client.
31. Airbnb
Stayed at an Airbnb called ‘Charming Bungalow’. Turned out to be a shed with Wi-Fi.
32. Salesforce
Tried using Salesforce. Ended up selling my soul for a lead conversion.
33. Anthropic
Anthropic says their AI is safe. It roasted my outfit and sent me therapy links.
34. Twitch
Streamed on Twitch for 6 hours. Got 1 viewer. It was my microwave reflecting the screen.
35. Bumble
Matched on Bumble. We met. She swiped left in real life.
36. Dropbox
Stored my resume on Dropbox. Now it’s networking in ways I never could.
37. Nextdoor
Nextdoor drama is real. I posted ‘nice weather’ and got accused of witchcraft.
38. Quora
Asked Quora if I’m funny. They recommended law school.
39. Oracle
Oracle told me my future. Apparently, I’ll be banned from dad jokes in 2026.
40. Stripe
Stripe handles online payments. I tried to tip myself and overdrafted emotionally.
There you have it—40 companies, 40 dad jokes, infinite eye-rolls. Whether you’re coding, scrolling, Zooming, or launching rockets, never forget: there’s always room for a groan-worthy punchline.